The secret to a good romantic relationship, whether you are in your first week of courtship or your 50^th year of marriage is to focus your energy into the relationship entity as a whole (the superorganism) rather than into one’s self. This sounds backwards, but if both parties are putting their energy into the relationship, then it actually benefit both inside the relationship and makes for a healthy romance. One way to funnel energy into the relationship superorganism is to discover and honour its totem(s).

To discover what your Relationship Totem is you must first discover what your relationship superorganism is like. This is not something that is immediately obvious. Some would say ‘Oh its just like you and I combined’ or ‘it’s the traits we have in common’. This is not quite true however. Many couples act quite differently together in a social setting than they would separately. Each individual may be introverted, but when acting as a couple they may be extroverted. On their own each may be quite flirtatious, but as a couple they may be more shy. The examples could go on and on. The point here is that you act differently ‘as a couple’ than you do individually. You should start by making a list of your traits ‘as a couple’. Be extremely honest with yourselves. Start with the obvious ones (introverted, extroverted, social, solitary, peaceful, aggressive, witty, bland, flirty, etc). Now take your list and ask your friends to rate you the same way and give them the power to modify and delete things from your list. After this exercise, and after letting two or three friends or family modify the list, you should have something that is workable as a list.

Keep this list handy. This is what you will use to compare against animal traits to find your Relationship Totem. The problem is that there are literally thousands and thousands of animals. To narrow it down, you should divide the possible animals into categories. Think to yourself if your Relationship Totem is likely to be a land, air, or sea animal. Is it going to be a large animal or small? Reptile, Mammal, or Insect? If you have several categories, that’s ok. Take note of these categories (like Large Land Mammal, Small Water Spider, etc) and grab your nearest totem encyclopedia and start comparing your list of ‘Relationship Traits’ to those of the animals of your categories.

From your list of Animals and list of Traits you should be able to narrow it down. Some animals many not feel quite right while others really touch upon who you are as a couple. Keep those ones. And yes it can be more than one. If it is only one, that’s great. But if it’s more than one then you can be creative and either honour them as separate animals or you can honour them as one animal hybrid – like a mythical animal. So if you had an eagle and a lion…well your Relationship Totem could be a Griffin. It’s really ok to do this on a superorganism totem – where you wouldn’t on a personal basis. But congratulations – you now have a Relationship Totem. Don’t put too much worry on being absolutely correct as you are close at any rate and the honour you do your relationship totem will make your relationship stronger regardless of whether you are absolutely correct or not.

As an exercise, you can also find your ‘Relationship Shadow Totem’ by reversing your traits and searching for an animal(s) that matches. It should also be one that seems to go counter to your relationship as a whole. You will know it when you find it.

If you have your Relationship Totem and Shadow Totem you have new tools to honour and strengthen your relationship. The best way to do this is to learn as much as you can about these animals. Learn what makes them flourish and what makes them wither and starve so to speak. If you engage in activities together that are positive for your Relationship Totem and/or negative for your Relationship Shadow Totem, you are effectively honouring and strengthening your relationship. The Relationship Shadow Totem is especially important to know in this case as when you engage in behaviours positive to your Relationship Shadow Totem, you are effectively weakening your relationship. This can happen whether you are engaging in these behaviours personally or as a couple. Work on honouring your Relationship Totems in other ways as well. Paint pictures of it, make a ‘Relationship Crest’ with each of your totem(s) on it as well as your Relationship Totem, or have a representation of your Relationship Totem on your alter or in your bedroom. There is no end to ways you can creatively honour your Relationship Totem. The important thing is that you do it!

Written by RavenDreamer